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When Enough is Enough

depression

For today’s Wednesday Writings, I wanted to share a new poem I wrote. This poem was inspired by real life events. It is a mixture of different people I have encountered whose life situations were all different but strangely connected by one thing: addiction. There is something incredibly frustrating and painful for people who suffer through addiction of any kind. There is that daily struggle of succumbing to the temptation or fighting through it with teeth clenched. There is the awful feeling of guilt and shame, that you can never live up to everyone else’s expectations even if you want to. You know that you are hurting the ones you love and the last thing you want to do is cause them pain because of your actions but at the same time, sometimes you just can’t stop yourself from feeding the addiction itself.

So many times, when we see and meet people who are addicts, there’s a tendency to think “Why can’t you just stop what you’re doing? Look at how you’re hurting yourself and others around you!” It’s not as if the person doesn’t know that. It is hard to love an addict because in some ways, you have to be ready to be disappointed. Sure, things can get complicated and messy and confusing… but I hope that we would never stop loving even when it hurts to love.

 

 

Safi*

You look at the ground, cloudy eyes, creating raindrops that fall to the floor

Wondering

Waiting

 Wishing

Why?

Why can’t I change?

The destruction you leave behind in your wake knows no bounds

It is true what they say

The ones you love are the ones you hurt the most

She turns to look at you

For the last time

You break her heart into a million pieces because of your actions

She breaks your heart into a million pieces with her last glance

Just another broken relationship

In a long line of broken relationships

Broken hearts

Broken promises

Broken lives

You wonder

You wonder if this is what your life is really all about

Is it but heartache and pain?

You wait

You wait for healing that does not come

Is it for everyone but me?

You wish

You wish that things were different

Is it futile to hope for a better future?

You look at the ground, your face mirrored in the pool of tears, and scream into the nothingness you have created.

*Safi is a Moroccan word meaning “enough”

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A Lenten Poem

cross

The sky darkening
Thunder
It was as if the heavens themselves wanted to let the earth know of their anger
It was more than they can bear.

From the lofty heights, the clouds saw what was happening below
“What insanity has taken hold of the mortals?”, they wondered.
He was the One to redeem creation itself
Yet it was He whom they were intent on killing.

The trees began to whisper to one another
What madness is this that they chose one of our own to bring about His death?
They wanted no part in this folly
They wanted to clap their hands in praise
Instead, they mourned that one of their lot became a weapon of His destruction.

The winds were often thankful in His presence even if He did rebuke them that one time for their excitement
The words that came from His mouth gave them such pleasure to spread all over the world
Today, his cry was too much for their hearing
Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani
They wept at the message they had to send to the Father.

The rocks grumbled their disapproval
They could remain silent no more
The mortals had the audacity to nail his hands and feet
This can not be!

Michael, readying the legions of angel
Raphael, sharpening his sword
Gabriel, in utter disbelief that these puny beings should dare lay a hand on Him
Azrael, waiting to wreak vengeance.

They waited for the signal to lend Him aid
He but needed to speak the word
None came from his lips.

It is finished.

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Wednesday Writings – Nov. 27, 2013

heathhighres1

 

Hey everyone,

Sorry for the non-frequency of blog posts. Ph.D. is tough!!! However, that doesn’t mean that I have forgotten all about my blog. Hopefully, you’re still following me.

Today’s inspiration is an artist named Heath McNease. I was recently listening to this track and it was just so raw and so real. I have the greatest admiration for artists who are just so authentic and vulnerable. When you listen to him, it’s almost voyeuristic. I feel like I’m peeking into his mind and heart as he shares it through his songs. I met him in a concert awhile ago and he’s such a great guy. Follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Support his work. Buy some albums. Tell him he’s awesome.

This was the accompanying description of the track:

We were travelling from Montreal to Moncton, New Brunswick. It was a gray, rainy day that turned into a frozen, windy night. During a 15 hour drive your thoughts will wonder. We talked to each other about everything. We freestyled, listened to “Daddy’s Lambo” by Yelawolf 100 times for no reason, played “would you rather”, and alternated sleep schedules. It is in those moments of drifting to sleep in the backseat and those moments when you’re the only person awake behind the wheel when your mind will play incredible tricks on you. That’s what this song really is. Its just being out there on this huge highway we know nothing about. Its about leaving a place where the signs were in French and driving to a place where you hope things are more familiar (and they’re not). Its about the epic scale of Canada. This place is just so wide open, and that 3 am darkness just felt like it was going to swallow us whole. That’s when doubt creeps in. That’s when you start telling yourself you’re a failure. That’s when you start thinking that God is either setting you up for failure, or he has just decided that you’re not going to amount to anymore than you are in that moment…cold, hungry, confused, and exhausted. As an artist…the best part about being left to your own devices is that you’re mind might be plaguing you, but you’ve got all the time in the world to put it into perspective. This song is just that. Its us figuring out what that drive really was all about.

The thing is I’ve totally felt those feelings. The feeling of being set up for failure or that I’m not going to amount to anything. And it is a horrible feeling. And sometimes, it can be overwhelming.

This poem is inspired by the artist and his works.

_______________________________________________

Portrait of a man 

Sometimes, in the dark, when the lights are off and left alone with my thoughts
Fear assaults, fear attacks, fear pounces
I am left battered, shamed into submission
My nerves are frayed, and I want to cry
But I don’t.
Not because I don’t want to
It’s because I know how useless it is.

I wonder why I have to feel this way
I look around and see the smiling faces, the fake masks
It’s easier to hide than to reveal
Less problematic, and they don’t know what I’m going through.
I keep it in.
Not because I want to
It’s because no one understands.

Through the pain, I hear your words
So real, so true, so raw
Your voice sings my pain and my confusion
And I want to stop listening because it hurts
It pains me that I am not alone
No one should feel like I feel
You understand me too well.

Wednesday Writings – Jan. 2, 2013

Hi everyone! Today marks the first Wednesday Writings post for 2013! I really want to thank yall for taking the time to read what I have to say. WordPress tells me that since I started this website in September, I have received 1600 views from people in 19 countries! Wow! So humbled and so excited that this website has been able to reach so many people.  My hope and goal for this website is to create a space where ideas and discussions flourish. Thank you for liking, sharing, and engaging with me either here on this website or you can join the discussion on Facebook. I hope that 2013 will bring about more participation and interaction with yall!

I wanted to start the New Year with a bang so I decided to ask my friend Rose-Ingrid Gracia to be my first guest blogger. Rose is a multi-talented artist who sings, writes, does spoken word and is just all around awesome. She’s currently in the process of releasing an album this summer and I am eagerly awaiting to get my copy signed! If you want to get in touch with her, follow her on Twitter and like her Facebook page to get up-to-date info about her album release.

Without further do, here it is.

Image

Untitled

Something is wrong here.
Something just ain’t right.
Something is wrong here.
Do you hear our plight?

As I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

Could ya throw in an i5,
Louis V and a fly ride?

Oh and I was wondering, God,
If you’re still awake
Could you find the time to send me a mate?

He don’t have to be perfect,
But I’d prefer him tall.
I can’t have midget children after all!

It don’t have to be immediate,
I know I’m supposed to wait a minute.
But might I remind You of my 5 year plan?
I ain’t getting any younger. You heard my grams!

I could also use a new pair of shoes.
Preferably TOMS;
Gotta pay my dues in this dying world.

And since You’re the God of my blessing,
I know you can’t refuse.
Don’t worry God I prayed, read my verse, and paid my tithe.
You know I’m all in on this covenant ride.

I’m just saying hey before I lay my head.
Praying this shout out will give me a li’l heavenly cred.

Something is wrong here,
Something just ain’t right.
Something is wrong here,
Do we know our plight?

Dear God, I don’t know if this will work but I’ve run out of options.
Mommy’s gone and daddy’s a monster.
I really wish we could be a family again.
I wish we could all sing and laugh and be friends.

Can you help me? God!
If you’re really out there?
Momma says you are,
But that ain’t seem to help her thus far.
None of my friends have to cry as they lay their heads.
They all seem to live aite
With out kneeling at their beds.

At night, the world just seems so much darker.
Hope seems so much farther.
I don’t know how much more I can take,
So God PLEASE be my escape.

If you’re real send me an answer,
Cause this battle’s giving me an ulcer.
I know somewhere deep down in my pit

Something is wrong here,
Something just ain’t right.
Something is wrong here,
Would you please hear my plight?

It gets a little harder with every day I hide.
Every time I smile, I am becoming more of a lie.
I know you’re real I just can’t rationalize
My reality with the life I’m living anymore.

I’m so tired of hiding behind walls,
Creeping around in the night,
I feel like a whore.
The worst part is that people are beginning to know;
It’s not my little secret anymore.

I have found pleasure in the company of men
Joined myself together to an immoral end
They say You can help me
But I don’t know anymore
I have fallen so far
Become such a fraud
I can’t even hear your voice any more!

OH GOD!
Can you still love a man as broken as this?
Is there room at God’s table,
For this fallen prince?

Something is wrong here
Something just ain’t right
Something is wrong here
Can you see past my night?

When did it get so cold?
It seems like yesterday summer winds blew so bold
You could taste the salt in the air
Blowing off the ocean as we danced

Such a pair
We were one
So in love

Turns out I’m dumb
I didn’t know this could happen
“Forever” left me undone

All at once
Why did no one warn me?
Before it began

2 months. 3 weeks. 2 days. 5 hours.
I ran
Those digits will haunt my memory till I expire
Forever reliving these memories so dire

I wonder,
If he was handsome.
She could have been tall.
I wonder if they’ll know I loved them all the while.

Cold metal like a gun
Inserted into the mouth of life itself
Reached into my body and snuffed it out
Snatching my breath away

No longer the same I walk around lame
Deaf, dumb, blind and numb
To all that I’ve ever known
I will never have her hand to hold!
Never kiss his cheek goodnight
Oh God! I’m a murderer!
Can you see my plight?

Been washing these hands for days and days                                                   Dressed like a Lady in my guilt and my shame                                                         No one knows                                                                                                      Just like I’ll never know her name

Something is wrong here
Something just ain’t right
Something is wrong here
Can you redeem a life?

Wednesday Writings – 12.12.12.

Hi Everyone,

Welcome to Wednesday Writings on this most auspicious day! lolz Just think, on 12.21.12, it will all be over! hahaha If only the Mayans are correct, then that will save me a lot of money that would go to buying Christmas presents 😛

Today’s poem was inspired during the Ramadan season when I was living in North Africa. During this time, there’s a special night called “Night of Power” or “Night of Destiny”. Basically, during this night, your prayers count more than usual. As the people around me stayed longer in the mosques and devoted themselves to prayer, it gave me time to also think and meditate. This is the result. Hope you enjoy it!

Desert 034

Night of Destiny

Darkness, light withheld, solitude
The road so isolated, the path so obscure
Trusting that He has called you, the calling so loud and clear
Only His voice reassures you, comforts you, calms you

The voices within scream so loudly
Humiliation, rejection, threats of failure
The fear so strong, the doubts so sure
There’s no way that you can get out unscathed

Then the beatings begin
Words that inspire confusion, acts that inspire destruction
Quenching the hope, obliterating the dream
Only the Accuser comes at you, laughs at you, throws distractions at you

Darkness, light withheld, solitude
The road so isolated, the path so obscure
Forgetting that He has called you, the calling so faint to hear
His voice so far away, far away, far away

Light, darkness withheld, joy
The cloud of witnesses, the narrow road so obvious
Answering the call, the call implanted in the soul within
His Words leaping in our heart, a response to its Maker

The Accuser accused
The Accuser displayed
The Accuser accursed
The Accuser defeated

If the Answer is so true, why do my feelings feel that it is false?
If I know the Outcome of the situation, why do I live in fear?
If the Accuser is defeated, why do I live in defeat?
If I know the Son has set me free, why do I still live in bondage?

The moon, the glorious orb, the night
In its light, radiant light, solemnity envelops me
In the coolness, He breathes new life
For this night, it is the night

This night, this night, this glorious night
Destiny reveals its purpose

Night of Destiny pt. II

The thunder rages
The lightning strikes
The rain pours
Could this be divine sorrow?

How the heathens rage
How the kings conspire
How the people rebel
Yet, the rain falls on the just and the unjust

Your love extended
Your grace freely given
Your mercy pourèd
How long will they grieve your heart?

Sing to me of the plans that You have
Sing to me of the purpose that You have
Sing to me of Your unfailing love
Sing, lest my soul loses all hope

God of all nations, hear my cry
God of the Gentiles, I call unto Thee
God of the Chosen Nation, see this nation’s plight
May You draw us near, nearer to God, to Thee

The thunder rages
The lightning strikes
The rain pours
But it is You, Who calms the storm

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