Monday Musings – Living with Shame

Hi everyone,

It has been too long since my last post. And yes, that was supposed to sound like a confession. However, I am back! I wanted to re-start a weekly section of my blog which I will be calling “Monday Musings.” This is a space where I will be talking about the things that I have been thinking and mulling over in my head.

For those who are potentially new to this website, welcome and thanks for dropping by! The goal of this website is to foster a safe place where people can learn from one another so please feel free to comment and share your thoughts with me! I am a big fan of discussions BUT I also feel that discussions should take place in a civil and kind way. The moment that discussions start venturing into personal attacks or creating a negative atmosphere where people no longer feel free to express their views then I will take the necessary steps to remedy that. Hopefully, that wouldn’t happen.

Today’s blog post has been inspired by a TED talk by Brené Brown on shame. I think that shame is something that everyone has or will struggle with at least once in their life. These are my musings on the subject matter.

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shame

Maybe it’s just me but I am really good at compartmentalization. I have friends for different purposes. If I want a deep theological talk, I have a friend for that. If I want to have fun, I have a friend for that. If I want to talk about the arts, I have a friend for that. I have a personal world and a professional world. I have different sets of friends who have never met each other and I try my best to make sure it never happens. I’m a social chameleon. I can change depending on who is around me. To a certain degree, we all do that unconsciously. However, when we consciously put on a mask, sometimes we can forget to take it off. What we pretend to be becomes who we end up being. It becomes a blurry line.

Behind all the pretending and the acting, there is a voice that serves as the bread and butter of shame. It is the thought that no one will love you for who you are when they finally realize who you truly are. It is in the secret place that shame rules and reigns. All the surface affirmations do nothing to address it because it is easy to dismiss them. “You say that because you don’t know the real me. If you only knew…” becomes the standard response. “If you only knew…” becomes the tired refrain.

The problem with shame is that no one can actually know you because you don’t allow yourself to be known. All they see is the outside: they see someone who’s an extravert, someone who seems like he has it all together, someone who laughs loudly and is often the life of the party. They don’t necessarily see what is happening on the inside: the plague of insecurity, the constant self-doubt of being good enough, the nagging fear that I will never find someone who will truly love me for all of me.

Vulnerability becomes the main mechanism for exposing shame. While shame still manages to have a grip on my life, its grip has been lessened by the fact that I have been blessed with friends with whom I practice openness and transparency. I’m thankful for these people who have spoken truth and love and grace into my life. They remind me how warped my perspective can be at times and how my shame needs to be crushed into oblivion. I don’t know where I would be without their life-giving advices over the years.

Shame is a horrible bedmate. To wake up in shame and find no escape even in sleep from it is a horrendous way to live. Been there. Done that. That’s something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. Overcoming shame is a life-long battle. Thankfully, it’s a battle that you don’t have to do all by yourself. Take the risk of vulnerability. It’s worth it.

 

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2 thoughts on “Monday Musings – Living with Shame

  1. Thanks for this, Sid! I find one of the main contributors to shame is the voices I choose to listen to. Often, as you wrote about, these are the voices in my own head telling me that I’m not good enough. But sometimes they come from other people. Recently, I had someone try to tell me that I was a disappointment to all sorts of people. I was starting to believe her a little until she said that I was a disappointment to God. That’s when her argument fell apart, because I know that’s not true! I think that can help us to defend ourselves against feelings of shame. If we KNOW that God is not ashamed of us, we are less likely to be ashamed of ourselves. And it will also give us the courage to be vulnerable which, as you noted, is also so important in fighting feelings of shame.

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