It was hard pressing Enter. Once I pressed that button, it would deactivate my Facebook account. I needed to do it to make sure I can stick to the plan. For the next forty days, I will be fasting from social media AND meat. I have fasted from meat before for 3 weeks, and I have also fasted from social media for the month of Ramadan. But both at the same time, this is definitely the first time I have done that.
I was trying to look for a picture to insert for this post. As I looked and looked and looked, I just couldn’t find an image that properly encapsulated what Lent was all about, or at least what it meant for me. And maybe the reason why I couldn’t find one is because I want this Lent to be different. Fasting is difficult, for sure. But I don’t want to fast for the sake of tradition (or positive peer pressure). I wanted to fast for Lent because I’m looking for something. I’m searching for something. I want to be a better human being. I want to know what laying down my pride looks like. I want to be a walking example of humility. I want to be more loving. I want to be more patient. I want to exhibit the attributes of God in my life. I’m doing this because I want a closer, more intimate relationship with the Lover of my soul. Sometimes, you have to give up everything that you think is important to realize what is truly important in your life. Much to my chagrin, no image could encapsulate that burning desire within me.
I’m not gonna lie. I think this is going to be tough. I’m already thinking of how low my Klout score can go after being away from social media for so long. (Yes, I unfortunately care about that stupid rating! Sigh.) I already wish I savoured my last steak a bit more than I did. I wonder at all the things I’m gonna miss out on Facebook. What memes will I no longer recognize because I was out of the loop? I realize how trivial all of it is even as I write this down, but these things exert power over my life. And I think that’s also one of the reasons why I want to do this… I want to own these things and not have them own me.
A part of me is already weirded out that no one will know where I am because I won’t be checking in on Foursquare. Or wonder who’s going to see what I’m eating as I post it on Twitter/Instagram. I have lived my life so publicly that I am afraid that if I’m not in the public eye, will people still remember me?
At the end of the day, it’s not just about depriving myself of meat and social media. It’s about all the insecurities and irrational fears that doing so can bring out that I’m more afraid of. With no recourse to cheap entertainment, how long can I war with my self? This is where the journey begins. I don’t know where it will lead me but I know that God will be with me. And sometimes, that has to be good enough for me. I cannot let the fear of the unknown stop me from making the first step.
Join me on this journey.