Life has a very peculiar habit of surprising you. Much has happened since I last wrote here. I have the tendency to be reactive. I needed some time to sit back and do some personal reflection. I had to give up on dreams that I once had. The world has a way of shattering dreams. It was confusing and full of turmoil. There was a lot of anger and a lot of grief. Tears came unbidden as I had to say the very things I dared not utter out loud. Saying it out loud gave it a certain finality that I did not want. But, I needed to do it. I needed to say it. I needed to tell it to people. I needed to voice the unspoken fears of failure. It was only then that I was able to release it.
Somehow, by releasing the dreams of the past, little by little, I allowed myself to dream anew. The new dreams are so different from the old ones that they might as well be night and day. When one is brought low by life, to the point where one no longer wants to be a part of it, every day in the land of the living becomes both a challenge and a victory. There is a despair that seeps to the bone and tears the soul asunder. There are pieces of me that have died, never to come alive again. Yet, I also found myself having new pieces come alive, growing from the ashes of broken dreams and promises.
These new dreams are centered on me as a being and not me as a doing. So many of my dreams were the stereotypical accomplishments our capitalistic society has often told us are measures of success. Money, fame, reputation, status—these are a few of the things that consumed me. The dreams I have now are different. Now I dream of being free from the talons of capitalism, of living a life where I can stand up against the injustices of this world, of being a whole person. How do I negotiate my desire for justice and my daily life? How can I amplify the voices of those who are actively being silenced? How can I be a person who live by the words uttered by Jesus Christ at the Sermon on the Mount?
And so, I try to begin anew. I no longer want to be strong. I no longer want to be resilient. I want to be soft. I want to be fragile. I want to show myself the grace and compassion that comes so easily for me to show others, but never to myself. I want to take risks again. I want to throw caution to the wind. I want to live free from the shackles of fear and anxiety. I want to trust in myself. I want to be confident in my personhood. I want to know who I am and not who people want me to be.
I want to dream a little dream of me.
Pensées by Sid 