Pensées by Sid

As an undergrad student, I remember holding an edited volume and scanning the table of contents. I remember seeing names of people I have never met but admired. Even though I did not know them personally, I was struck by their intelligence. Surely not everyone gets published. Being published is a badge of honour. It is one that I had dreamt of. I imagined someone out there, picking up a book, and seeing my name in the table of contents. Wow! That would be amazing!

Fast forward to 2023.

I got my copy of the edited book volume of which I was one of the contributors. It was amazing to physically hold this book and know that my work is now out for everyone to see. I admit that when I was first approached and invited to contribute to the project, there was a part of me that wanted to say no. Not because I didn’t want to be a part of it because I did… it was because of the fear of not being good enough. What if I write something and then everyone finds out that I was not as smart as they thought I was. In fact, my work is so subpar that they decide to kick me off the project and I am humiliated for thinking I have what it takes to be a published scholar. What if I bring shame to my friend who recommended me? What if they turn to her and ask “Who is this person you recommended? He’s horrible.” These negative scenarios played itself out in my mind even as I said yes to the invitation. It lingered even after I said yes. The negative scenarios I imagined did not take place. But now, new negative scenarios play out in my head – what if someone reads my work and thinks that I’m a fool?

I have a difficult time appreciating my achievements, let alone celebrating my achievements. I don’t think I even realized it until a friend called to congratulate me and asked “What are you doing to celebrate?” To which I replied with “nothing.” I think I’m used to other people celebrating me but until that verbal exchange, I don’t think I realized how I’m not used to celebrating me. There’s a part of me that thinks, yes, it is an accomplishment to be a contributor but it’s not that big of a deal. However, if any one of my friends ever accomplished such an amazing feat, I’d be the first to tell them how awesome they are. Somehow, if I do it, it’s not as amazing. It’s to be expected. It’s normal. It’s nothing to write home about.

It is in these moments that I have to stop myself from believing these lies. It’s weird because no one has ever made me feel like I was not smart. Somewhere along the way, I latched on to this belief that I’m not good enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m a failure. It is a challenge to let go of this type of distorted thinking.

And so, I have to remind myself. Think back of when you were an undergrad student and opened a book and saw a random scholar’s name in it. Think of how you thought they were super smart. Think of how you wished that could be you someday. Think of how this dream of yours has become reality. Think of how far you’ve come.

I did something that I never thought would happen. It’s so hard not to compare myself and think “well that person has soooo much more publications than me!” As if their success means that somehow I’m not successful. It is a constant challenge to fight the scarcity model that our society is so insistent on foisting upon us. It’s hard to adopt an abundant mentality where there is enough for everyone and that someone else’s success is not an indicator that I have less success. There is success for everyone!

One of the things that I have been working on is intentionality. I want to intentionally celebrate my accomplishments. I did a thing and it is a good thing! I want to intentionally choose to believe in myself. I want to intentionally choose not to compare myself to others. I want to intentionally choose me. Every single day.

I intentionally choose to encourage you, dear reader, to celebrate you and your awesomeness! Let the world resonate with your joy and laughter!