Pensées by Sid

It is only recently that I’ve had to really deal with the issue of religious trauma. I think that it was there but I never allowed myself to feel it. There has been an intentional part of me to try and be more attuned to my own body. As a result, I have been noticing that there are physical symptoms I have been experiencing that I have generally overlooked or even suppressed.

I recently attended a church where a sermon suddenly turned homophobic. The pastor used the rhetoric of culture wars and persecution complex that comes along with it. I realized that my blood pressure was rising and the flight response went into overdrive. After the homophobic turn, it turned into Christian nationalism. They generally come together.

In the past, I don’t think I would have felt it so strongly. A huge part of it was because I have been an expert in compartmentalization. I was able to enter traumatic spaces with my fractured, multiple selves. However, I am working on being whole. Because of that, I am now experiencing things I did not allow myself to experience before.

I have also been subjected to many racial microaggressions in academic, professional, and personal environments. It is often subtle. I call it the death by a thousand cuts. Too often though, the culprits of these racist acts are done by those who profess as Christians. It makes the sting that much more hurtful.

I have had many friends who renounced Christianity. Many have asked me why/how I am still a Christian. They know of my negative experiences, the betrayals, and the hurts I have experienced by those within the Church. They have also seen the toxic words and actions that are being done by so many Christians right now in our current social and political climate. All I can say as a response to that is “I must really love Jesus a lot” because I will never let go of him. Jesus has done so much in my life and has formed me in deeply fundamental and profound ways that I can’t let go. Also, I feel like if I let go of Christianity because there are bad Christians, then the terrorists have won. Why should I allow those who sully the name of Christ as the definer of Christianity?

It is in these moments where I am thankful for people who keep me grounded and hopeful. The call to be courageous and not to despair is a hard call for me to answer. Especially living in a deeply polarized world, it is very difficult not to allow my rage to consume me as I see the injustices in this world. Don’t get me wrong… it is absolutely ok, nay righteous even, to burn with rage against evil and those who enact evil. How to channel that rage into something transformative instead of destructive is the challenge so many face.

While I wish that I was not a recipient of religious trauma, I also know that I am not alone. This is something that we have only been talking about more openly fairly recently. Let’s continue to have these difficult conversations. Let’s continue to right the wrongs of the past. Let’s continue to heal ourselves and our communities.