Pensées by Sid

“That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my religion”

The term “losing my religion” is a Southern term for being at the end of one’s rope. This pandemic has definitely brought me to that point. Compassion fatigue has set in. It has become so difficult to be kind to those who refuse to believe in facts and figures. In these moments where I am so tempted to lean in these negative feelings, I have to jolt myself out of it. It would be so much easier to allow myself to stay with the rage. It is comforting. Dare I say, inviting. But I can’t. Because I know what it is like to allow myself to lose hope. It is not a good feeling.

And so, I choose to persevere in hope. Even when hope sounds more and more like delusion. A rose by any other name, right? I cannot allow myself to focus on the darkness around me. Oh, it is an ever-present friend that calls out my name. Yet, I know better than to hear the sirens’ call. Amidst the darkness, there is but a faint ray of light. Though faint, it is strong enough to light the dark. It is strong enough to remind me that all hope is not yet lost, as the fair Galadriel would say.

This, I call to mind. I call to mind God’s goodness in my life. I have been blessed to be surrounded by people who truly love me and care for me. I have been blessed to have quality people in my life who challenge me to be the better version of myself. I have been blessed to have friends who check in on me to see how I am doing and if everything is ok. I have been blessed to be the recipient of so much kindness and generosity. It is truly breathtakingly amazing.

I am also reminded that I need to daily renew my mind. What do I think about? Is it something I should be thinking about? How quick am I to vanquish vain thoughts? How intentional am I in cultivating a thought life that leads to the cultivation of virtues rather than vices? I’ve been reading (re-reading?) Meditations by Marcus Aurelius again and so these are the thoughts that I have been pondering. I seriously have tried to read this book at least 10x now. I have never finished it from cover to cover but I have started so many times that I have read the first parts of the book multiple times. I am adamant in finishing it this year. By hook or by crook!

Am I so focused in trying to gain the whole world but end up losing my soul in the process? Academia almost did me in. I barely escaped with my soul intact (what little of it was left after Academia almost ravaged it whole!) This new chapter has presented me with challenges but also an invitation to bigger and better things. Maybe this is the year when I can be made whole again. I certainly would like to hope so.

And there it is again… that word “hope.” It comes unbidden, yet always welcome. It comes in the stillness, yet always loud. It comes in the dark, yea, it always comes.